This is what it sounds like if you’ve gone back in time to the year 1995 and you’re the main character of a Canadian TV series (it doesn’t matter which one) and you have a big car chase scene.

I’m embarrassed to like this but I kind of do, because I can listen to it and immediately be having a big character moment where I disobey my personal code of honour in order to get rid of a bad guy.  But this time, for good.  (Shot on location at some warehouse outside Mississauga, probably.)

I’m not even addressing what goes on in this video, especially starting at about 2:10 where the lead singer nearly makes out with the guitarist and then sticks his fingers in the guy’s mouth for awhile.

Look I may have a tab open that was just me googling “eva green’s boobs” but you know what only God can judge me

tagged → #music #our god and king

1. What have you been up to today?
Boy oh boy, a whole lot of nothing.  Our neighbour/landlord is building a screened porch on our house to replace our old porch (which some of you might prefer to call a “mudroom”, depending on regional dialect).  He’s been working on it all month and the dog hates it.  People standing near her house! Banging on it with hammers! So she goes nuts all day, and there’s hammering, and I try to write or sleep and fail at both.  I’m re-watching some of The Sopranos.  Listening to the new Robyn Hitchcock album.

2. If you could have one super power what would it be and why?
I wrote an entire novella about invisibility/intangibility as a superpower, so that’s my standard answer.  I’d probably regret choosing that one, and say things like “I could have had a healing factor! Or shapeshifting! Why did I pick the social-awkwardness superpower?”  But that’s always gonna happen.

3. What’s one thing not many people know about you?
One that C didn’t know about me until recently was that for awhile I’d planned to do a bioethics program, back when I had a lot of philosophy credits and no good ideas about what to do with my life.  I’m not sure if it’s surprising that I was once in discernment for a vocation to the sisterhood, but that’s another one, I guess.  Lots of brochures in the mail.

4. What’s your favorite T.V. program?
Favourite thing currently airing is probably Game of Thrones—I get excited about new episodes and don’t feel overwhelmed by the pressure to watch more new stuff all the time.  I like Orphan Black and Doctor Who and fuck all y’all because I do like Sherlock and Supernatural too.  I’m not cool.

5. If you were in charge of your own country what’s one thing you would change?
Let’s just get rid of Alberta altogether.  

6. Where do you see yourself in +ten years time?
Married, writing, done with immigration on C’s side and the beit din on mine, living somewhere that I can wave a wooden spoon around and tell people to get out of my kitchen. 

7. Who has been the most influential person in your life outside of your family?
Clare, basically all my exes, my first Latin professor.

8. What’s your favorite accent?
Within my own country, a Newfoundland accent is wonderful to hear.  Within North America, I love New York/Lawn Guyland/Jersey accents.  Within the English language, I love Scottish accents (as everyone does, apparently.)  Foreigners speaking English: Russians win.

9. What’s your favorite color?
Blue.  This has not changed since I was 7.  I’m proud of that.  What an accomplishment!

10. What is your spiritual or religious background?

Ha ha, oh boy.  You asked.

My father was raised in the United Church, which is a mashup of Presbyterian and Methodist.  Orange Order family.  My dad converted to Anglicanism, which ticked off his dad, who thought that high church Anglicans were too close to Catholics.  My dad then married my mom, who was a lapsed Catholic.  She joined the Anglican church to marry him. (This doesn’t require an official conversion.)  My father was nearly ordained as an Anglican priest after finishing his theology degree, but the bishop declined—I think this was because my dad basically didn’t have the personality to be good at it, and therefore was a pretty good choice.

Maybe you think, so what, two different flavours of mayonnaise.  It’s not like that in the specific culture I come from.  I’ve heard older people using slurs against Irish-Catholics.  That is real and still happening. 

I was baptized Anglican, but sent to Catholic schools, which in Ontario are taxpayer-funded just like public schools but include religious instruction.  My father had no living relatives, so all my family members were Catholic. A cousin of ours used to be the regional head of a major religious order here, and two of my uncles are former Oblates.  In high school I became disillusioned with Protestantism and basically shifted my focus to Catholic spirituality.  I made enquiries about religious orders.  High school was also when I came out as gay and did most of my exploring in paganism.

In university I identified briefly as a hardcore nihilist atheist, and then went back to Catholicism, where I stayed for about…eight years?  A pretty long time.  Attending a Catholic church did require that I go through their little course and have them rubber stamp my baptism and confirmation, but that was a formality; I wasn’t baptized or confirmed a second time.  I was also sort of obsessed with learning about Judaism, even though I insisted that I didn’t want to convert and that it was just academic interest.  I took courses at university on Talmud and Jewish literature.

Because I wanted to be sincere and give the Church the benefit of the doubt, I remained celibate for several years.  This made me very frustrated and angry at the church, and all that time I was reading about Judaism and wishing that I could be a part of that, but thinking that I would never be accepted and that it was pointless to try.  I stopped being celibate because of a series of epiphanies that I had, and I got together with Clare.

For unrelated reasons, I started doing some research about early anti-Semitism surrounding the figure of Judas Iscariot, and from there I read about the Church’s history with the Jews in general.  I learned that it goes a lot deeper than anybody had ever taught me in school.  

In 2012, I worked up my courage and went to a synagogue.  Nobody rejected me and nobody laughed at me for trying.  Nobody ignored me or did any of the things that the Church has done to gay Catholics.  I used to have a kind of constant, free-floating rage against the Church, which I thought of as a healthy sense of conflict and passion about the divine.  But it wasn’t healthy.  My spirituality now feels like a way of living, rather than a progressive dying-off of parts of myself.

11. What is your favorite quote?

Since I just wrote that novel of an answer, here’s one from Karl Rahner.  I opened this book in the library one year when I had a job there, and I committed the quote to memory because I thought it was perfect, and then went back to shelving.

It is both terrible and comforting to dwell in the inconceivable nearness of God, and so to be loved by God Himself that the first and last gift is infinity and inconceivability itself.  

But we have no choice.  God is with us.

tagged → #perfect

Emma Stone & Joaquin Phoenix at a local park this Monday afternoon filming a few scenes at a bench in Newport, Rhode Island on July 28th, 2014.


Emma Stone & Joaquin Phoenix at a local park this Monday afternoon filming a few scenes at a bench in Newport, Rhode Island on July 28th, 2014.



tagged → #placet mihi

an endless list of Vollha’s favourite characters Black Adder’s Edmund Black Adder
I want to be remembered when I’m dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.”